I’m sorry

for being morbid and weak and scared

I’m sorry everyone. This is no fun, for anybody. I will try to relax and be more cheerful. It’s not good to live in fear. And then broadcast that fear to other people. I just want to make things and share them with people to entertain them and make them happy or make them think differently. I don’t have answers and oftentimes I don’t have helpful perspectives. I’m a sad lonely person who is cracking up, and I’m afraid I’ll lose the few friends I have left by being morbid and full of terror and scaring people off, or by being repetitive and boring and preachy. The truth is that I’m very scared and want to be hyper vigilant about what I feed my brain, and yet I sit around reading about theology and Islam and Christianity, which all touches on damnation and judgment, like that will save me somehow. There’s more love and light and color in the world than I’m letting myself see, I think.

I’m sorry. I want to be the source of something strong for everybody I come in contact with or communicate with, and not somebody weak and scared. I think something sometimes happens with mentally ill people, where they come to love their illness and all the contortions of it, the symptoms and delusions, they cling to them because it’s maybe all they know or it gives them some kind of comfort or dark pleasure. Like masochism or self-hypnosis or psychic flagellation. It veers into scary territory when you add religion into the mix. I was raised a certain way, with conceptions of God that impacted me and bred with my mental illness. I think something in me sought out an understanding of an angry punishing God who would drop you into hell for the slightest divergence from the right path. I wanted to believe that. It matched something innate in me. All the stuff about God being love and mercy, I didn’t want to buy into. It seemed to make more sense the other way. I have an affinity for harsh mindsets.

I’m afraid by revealing all this I will turn a lot of people off. I have up until recently been able to put it aside and be more philosophical and accepting of other people’s ways of life and expressions. The nuclear threat this Sunday changed all that and put the prospect of annihilation, which I remember from being a young kid, back into the forefront of my mind. It brought on a wave of judgment and fear that drove me off twitter and away from my social life which at least partially could have nourished and balanced me. And made me say some things to people that you might hear out of the mouth of a fundamentalist narrow minded person. I’m not that, I believe in art and sometimes the art I see in my friends or others in the scene is not comfortable. It’s dark. It reflects pain and sorrow and a lack of beliefs. A loss. I can handle it sometimes. Not right now.

Anyway it is time to find the light. Even if it’s ultraviolet. I will still create stuff that may be dark at times but I want to find a blending, an amalgamation of values, that won’t harm me or others. Part of getting off twitter was to hibernate or build self-reliance, not needing the mirror of other people to tell me who I am. But I think I do need at least a bit of that. I don’t know, I’m working on it. I hope you are all doing alright. I am with you even though I’m not anywhere near you and will never be seen.